whats on my heart and mind

Hey guys, it's me, but who am I? I am someone that has fallen so deep in life that I can't see the light that is shining so bright trying to show me the way out, or the people that are trying to help me back up to the top to stand on my feet. But for now I go by Marissa till my card is pulled and I get to leave this world and go to a new one where ever that may be. I am moving out this year and starting my own story apart from my dad’s and the rest of my families. It’s going to be my own and I will live it my way the way I want to not how anyone else wants me to live it. I am going to attend Truett McConnell this fall, and get my degree either in children’s psychology or early childhood education. I love going out on the limb to try new things and to get what I want. I don't regret anything I have done or will do because when I was doing it, it was exactly what I wanted to do. I live my life in the now and try to forget the things that have hurt me the most. Even though I can’t let go of something I try my hardest to not let it get me down. I want to one day not remember anything from my own childhood so I can live in peace. I love all people no matter what and don't judge anyone by their looks or actions. I look to the heart of the person because that’s where it's all lays at. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve but it not far from it my heart sits right on my shoulder for me to protect. I am quick to hide my emotions from everyone, sometimes you’ll get me off guard and you’ll see how I really feel. But it’s not often that you see how I am truly feeling or thinking. But one day my walls I have so carefully built up will come crashing down and I will let everyone in and not hide from anyone or anything. But till that day come this is what you get, a whole hearted care person that is afraid to let anyone in for fear that I will get hurt and not be able to pick myself up and clean the wounds that are so deep in my soul. I am still cleaning the ones that have been there for years, I can see the new skin coming through and beginning of a new relationship with the ones that caused the wounds I am still fighting and cleaning up. For now all I have left to say is goodnight and good day.
Marissa

hit with truth and reality today

So I get home today after being at my aunts all day yesterday, and I call my dad to let him know that I was home. We start to talk and he tells me that my mother is coming over to the house tonight to look what crap she has to get out of our house so she can figure out how big of a uhaul she needed to rent. Well I knew that it was not going to be a great time but I did not expect it to be this bad when she did come over. But I shrugged it off and went to bible study(which was really good)! So I get home get a shower and wait for my mother to get here and for the fun to start(oh boy). Then my sister texted me asking if I was going to be here cause she was coming too. So that made it better that she was going to come too but still did not make it any better for what was to come of this meeting. So my sister gets here and we are talking on my front porch cause I was sitting outside thinking bout bunch of things. Few minutes later my mother got here. She came and said hey to me then wanted to go inside and get started. Well I went and got my dad and told him that they were here. So while he walked around with my mother my sister showed me how to burn songs from limewire to a cd(never did it before). After she did that she tryed to figure out how to get my webcam to work(no luck). After my dad and mother finished with the basement they came back up stairs and thats when all the fun happened. My mom got overwhelmed with all the crap she had at our house that she had to get. So they began to argue just like the old days that I have tried so hard to move on from and forget as much as I could. Well this did no good to that. All the things I tried to forget came rushing back to me. Then my dad decided to tell her about the divorce papers he had gotten together for her to sign. my mom and dad have been separated for six years four of them required by law the rest because my parents never really got a long they only stayed together because my dad did not want to put my sister and I through that when we were to young to realize why they were doing it. Then things really got heated. My mom started cursing and yelling at my father. Then they came into the family room where my sister and I were sitting. So as soon as that happened I told my sister I can not stay in here and watch and listen to this. So we went outside and let them do what they needed to get done. But of course my mother was yelling so loud that we could still here what she was saying so it helped some but not completely. So after a while my mother came outside crying and got into her car and sped off. My sister stayed with me for a little while because she did not want to have to deal with my mother after that and she wanted to stay with me for a little so I could calm down as well. So after a while my dad came outside while me and my sister where shooting hoops together, but he did not stay because of the music we had on(rap). So after that we both went in and then my dad started to talk to us then my mother called the house phone and my sister picked it up(thankfully) and talked to her. when that was finally over the three of us talked about what happened and everything. needless to say she got mad at all the things she had to get and did not want to get them all then the divorce papers. But with my mother she blows things way out of proportion and gets really mad fast. Then I find out that she is wanting to come over on the 6th to start packing it all up. which the 6th is my b-day so that means that I get to sit home all day cause I cant go do anything with my father cause he cant leave the house with her here. I am really mad that she is doing this cause she knows that my dad will not leave her here alone and that its my b-day. So she is trying to ruin everything for me. I can not even go out and celebrate my 18th b-day. I just love the crap I get.

life lessons

Every person should have someone that they can turn to if they need help or someone to talk to. Some people are only blessed with one while some are blessed with more than one. In my case I have been blessed with more than I knew about. During my recent struggles I was opened up to two more people that God blessed me with. My uncle buddy and aunt Janet. My aunt is my fathers sister. But I decided that I was going to run away but while doing so I did not know where I was going to go. So I called my aunt Janet to see if I could go to her house. And of course I did not expect to be able to just go over and them to not ask what was wrong. But what I did not expect was for them to care so much about me for them to get my dad to agree to let me stay the night their and them for him to come over the next day and sit down all four of us and to work through it and try to fix things up. Because they did not want to see that happen to my father or me. I was blessed with a very wise uncle. He was the one who really helped us get through the night and to figure out what to do with some help from my aunt of course her motherly knowledge was also a great help. He has helped my father out before when my parents where splitting up. And now he has become the person I turn to if I ever need any advice. He knows what to tell me and what I need to do. He does not worry about if it will upset me because he knows that it is good for me to hear it, and that it will really work and fix the problem. He really helps me with the little things all the time but when it comes to the big things he save my life. He has done so much for me that is it hard to say how grateful I am to have him in my life. But never the less. We all need that person in our life that we can turn to whether it be a friends co-worker, neighbor, family member, or a professional.

worst day ever

so yesterday had to be the worst day of my life. I wake up after not being able to sleep because of a guy who would not leave me alone. He kept texting me all night trying to get me to hook up with him. And I just meet this guy, dont realy know him. He had just said that he was ending his relationship with his wife so he sent me a text asking me if I would have sex with him and stuff. I kept telling him I was not interested in him like that. And that I was not single and I would never cheat on my boyfriend. But that did not stop him, he kept at it all night long till I told him to stop and that I was going to bed. But never the less he when the next morning comes he keeps texting me. He finally stoped after realizing that I would not hook up with him. But when I woke up that morning I was not able to hear out of my right ear very well everything was very muffeled and their was a constant ringing in my ear. I did not think much about it at firt so i got in the shower to see if that would help. Nope nothing still the same. So I said ill give it a little while. After going three out of my four class and it not getting better I texted my dad to tell him this. He told me to leave class and go to the nurses office and see if she could do or give any suggestions on what to do. So never the less I ended up having to go to the doctors and miss my last class altogether. And at the end of the day I was suppose to go back to my first period teacher and turn somthing in to her but was unable to do so. So I had to email it to her and hope that she would understand and except it. Well she did and I think GOD for that one! But when I get home with my dad after emailing her the paper I had to walk to my aunts to check on her doags which I do every day but normally ride the bus to her house to do so. Well when I left her house and went back home my mother called and wanted me to call her back. So I did and while talking to her I heard my dad yelling at someone that he was on the phone with. After I was done talking to my mother and he was not talking to anyone anymore I knocked on his door and asked him what he wanted to eat for dinner. He said that he would make us a grilled chicken salad. So few minutes later he came out and I was playing my guitar and he started to tell me that I needed to play like this actor did in a movie. He proceeded to put the movie on then started yelling at me to play how he was right now. So I told him I dont know how to play like that. So I started to walk to my room to out it away and he ran after me. Next thing I knew he was grabing my hand and would not let go. So I started to yell at him let me go, and the kicked his hand and yelled what are you doing. Then he started to yell at me again then walked away still yelling slaming his bathroom door then his bed room door as well. After that I walked out side and sat down to think. It was pretty cold out side so I got a little cold. But I did not want to go back in that house. So I started to run away and while doing so asked my self where am I going to go so I called my aunt to see if she was home(which she was)so I asked her If I could come and stay there for the night. She said yes and that she would meet me since I was already walking to her home at 8 o'clock at night in the dark wearing all black. So she came and got me and around 10:30 my uncle decides to call my dad and ask him if it was okay that I spend the night over there. My dad never even realized that I was gone for two hours he did not know that his only daughter staying with him was missing. When my uncle told me that it really crushed me. It showed me how much he really pays attention to me and how he cares about me to not even notice that I had runaway from his house. So my uncle talked to him for a while and got my dad to agree to come to there house the next night and sit down me my dad, my uncle, and my aunt and we all talk. So I am finally going to be able to talk to him and know that he is actually listening to me and that I will get some honest answers from him. Instead of him just not telling me or lying to me.

In a hole of life

I have been having to deal with a lot of thing these past couple of weeks. Some them I was unable to control the others I put myself into. I have not been making good decisions lately. But the truth is that I am not the least bit remorse about them. I don't know why but I just don't care anymore and that's not me. I think the death of my great grandmother has changed me on the inside. after I found out she died I just put myself into a dark corner and I have not let any light shine into the corner. I am sitting here right now crying because it all just hurts so much. I need help. I just want someone to love and for them to love me back. I want my family. My emotions have been off balance so much. I don't know how to react to anything anymore. I get angry to easily and I am sad way to much. I chose to have a relationship with one of my friends. And I got way to into it. He decided that he could not handle it anymore so we ended it but we are still going to be friends. I have been strugling with the addictions that I have been fighting. I really want to go back to them only because they masked all these problems. I never had to feel anything or deal with anything. And right now I am planing on meeting up with my sister today which I am not aloud to be with her alone ever because of some of the decisions I made with her. But right now I just need someone to talk to that knows me and can understand me. My dad is out of town and I dont have my youth pastor that I could talk to anymore so I need her. Today I was telling my friend about the realtionship that was ened and I had another one of my guy friends offer to replace him. He said that I should call him to come over today. And I told him that I would have if I was not going to hang with my sis this afternoon. And normaly I would not do that. That is when I realized that there is something seriously wrong with me. I dont know what it is. I dont know what caused it. And I dont know how to fix it. But I do know one thing I want to fix my emotions but I don't want to change how I am acting.

I don't know why

Okay so my great grandmother pasted away on the march 18 2009 so I went to her funeral that saturday. I was figuring out all of the details with my mother over the phone. And she was wanting me to ride with her and my sister up to Toccoa. I told her that I was just going to ride with my father instead of her. She was fine with that. Then she said eventhough you riding with your father I sill want you to sit with the family at the funeral and not your father. I told her I was and that daddy was not not going to let me sit with them. So at that point I got a little frustrated with her because she was trying to say that my father was not going to let me sit with my family since at my great grandfathers funeral he did not not get out of his car. Then i got really pissed at her because that was not true he got out he just did not walk up to the grave at the end of everything. So long story short she mad me very mad and ended the conversation horribly. But that is not why I am writing this. I am writing this because like I said I was going to ride with my dad and I did. But after the funeral the church members were making the family lunch. I did not plan on staying at first but my sister did not want me to leave her. So I stayed for her. But as soon as I got around my mom. I got in a very bad mood. I did not like how my mom talked bad about everyone in our family. I though that is was wrong. And that made me very mad. And the little things that she does just bothers me. I cant stand to be around my mother. I dont understand. I finaly forgive her and try to build back the relationship and I find out that I cant stand to be around her. Everything she does just makes me tick. I hate it and her. I dont want to hate my mother but the things she does just makes me.

ANGER

Why am I not able to control my anger? It is so wrong that I cant control it? Is it a bad thing? What will happen if I don't get help or fix the problem? Why do I have this issue? I don't understand why I get so angry so fast and can't stop it. Why when I get angry that I always result to violence to fix the problem, and that ninety percent of the time I end up hurting myself. And that I push my friends away when all they are trying to do is help me. I don't see another way to resolve my anger or how to manage it so it does not come down to the violence. I have tried many things to try to fix the problem but they never seem to work. I have tried talking to someone but found that it just made things worse and that I got even more angry. I have tried writing about it but that did not work either. I tried working out but because of my injuries and medical problems that also did not work for me. I have tried to express it through my art work or listen to music. I think I have tried just about everything that I can but nothing seems to work for me. It always comes back to violence. Lately things have been really bad in my life with my dad, sister, my mom, myself, and the stress of my youth pastor getting deployed for over a year and to top it off the stress of school. So I have been banged up lately and have been thinking about it alot. I have tried to talk to GOD about it but it does not work for me. I really wish that I could fix this problem. But I think a lot of this has to do with my past and me not being able to let it go. And while trying to do so I let my emotions show more than I ever have. And that scared a lot of my friends because they got worried because I was acting diffrent and things did not seem right. I have not drank or smoked since new years. So during these hard times I have really been wanting to go back to it. But I was able to stay strong for a very long time. Today was a really bad day and i made a drink but never actually drank any of it,but I am still not happy about it all. I gave up drinking and smoking because I was becoming addicted to it. It just felt so good to be able to come home to it and know that it would make every thing go away. But that is the thing, it did not make it go away it just covered the pain and made me not think about it. So really I guess it made it worse. And that is what made me want to quit for good. And never do it again. But I am not that strong to never do it again I just wish taht I can stay away from it as long as possible. But since I quit it has made me face all the thing that I was hiding from so my life got really hard. I had to face a lot of really hard thing that I have been pushing under the bed so to speak. So once i cleaned up my life it just got harder on me. Now is the time I wish that I had someone to talk to that I know that I can trust with my life and know that they are able to help me and not judge me or what I have done. Now is the time I wish I had a family to turn to but I dont. I use to have my sister but since she has moved out and gone to college I have lost her completly. We still talk but not like we use to we have grown so far aprt that thing ar akward between us now. I really hate it. I wish that my family was still a family. But I have learned from my mistakes and grown from them. If I had not gone through all I did when I was young I dont think that I would be as strong and able to hide myself from the world as I am now. But I would give up everything to have a family to turn to, to love, to be with, and to share with everyone over what I have now. I have learned that life full of mountains and once your over one there is still going to be another one waitng for you right after that, and that you have to learn that sometimes you fail but that you have to get right back up and keep trying and not give up.

I just want to cry

I don't know what to do anymore. I really just want to give up and stop trying. I just cant handle the pain anymore. I don't want to go on living my life the way I have been. If I could have just one wish it would be to be seven again or younger. When I did not know what was going on around me. I was to busy playing with my friends and to young to understand anything. I would give anything to be that little girl again. I look back now and think that my life was bad but then I did not of any different kind of life. I did not have any worries. I could get home and go out side and play with my other friends. Then of course I did not know that my mom had the sickness that she had. And that my parents hated to be around one another. And that if it were not for my sis and I that they wold have never stayed together for as long as they did. Every time I look at my old pictures I wish that time would have just stood still. That things would have never changed. I don't want to be here anymore. I wish that my time on the hell hole of a place that we call earth was over. I just want to know that my parents love me. and they care about me. I cant really do anything about that. My dad never tells me that he loves me or that he is glad I am here. he just tells me when i screw up and that I am a disappointment to him. And I don't talk to my mom so I cant really say that I expect anything from her. she send me notes and emails telling me that I should not act the way that I am and that a true christian would not act this way. And that I am being childish. But I cant help it that I hurt so much inside that I cant ever let anyone get close to me without thinking that they are going to hurt me somehow or that they are just using me for there own satisfaction. It hurts to much to show who I really am. So many people think that they know me but they really don't but I cant blame them for that it is my own fault because I'm to scared to let anyone in and get close to me for them to actually know who i am. WHY AM I HERE. WHAT IS THE REASON THAT I EXIST ON THIS PLANET. THERE IS NO PURPOSE FOR ME. I just want to get out of here as fast as I can to take this pain and misery away from me.

MATT BREWER

Matt has been my youth pastor for two years or more now. And at first I was unsure about him but that I would give him a chance. And it turned out that I grew to love him a lot. Matt is one of my favorite people. He knows how to make me laugh to the point it hurts. But most importantly he has taught me so many things. He is the reason why I decided to get baptised and he is the one who baptised me. We were both nervous but he was more nervous because it was his first time every doing it. But I was nervous for a different reason. But Matt has had a huge impact on my life. And now I have to watch him say his goodbye to go to Afghanistan for a year and three months. We all knew that this day might come. But none of us ever wanted it to. We had our last wed. night with him last night for a long time until he returns safely home to all of us. And as you can imagine it was a very emotional night for him and all the people that love him dearly. I dont know how the rest of the people feel so I can only speak for myself. But having to see him leave is one of the hardest thing I have had to deal in a while. Matt has been like a father to me. So this was very hard for me to say goodbye to him. It took me a long time to get myself together to actually go talk to him and say bye and give him a hug. And when doing so he told me something that meant the world to me. It made me very happy to hear him say it but hurt at the same time because I was having to let him go. But that night I gave him something more than just words. I gave Matt my cross necklace for him to have and to cherish. So what I really want to say is that Matt I love you so much that I cant not describe it in words that would actually cover how much I love you and that I will miss you beyond belief and that you mean the world to me.
Marissa LeeAnn Thompson

JESUS

This is a poem that I wrote on Tuesday night.

Jesus

You are the one I need

You are the one for me

When I stray away

When I am on your path

Cant stay away from you

Cant get enough of you

You are all I want for me

You want everything

I give you all I can

But its not enough

You want all of me

I want you

I need you

Pick me up

Brush me off

Put me back on track

Keep me close to you

Never let me fade from you

Jesus you are what I need

Relationships

Well by now you all know that my mother and I do not have a good relationship or even a realtionship at that matter. But recently she has been sending me emails. I have not responded to any of them although I have read them. But she just me an email and it really bother the crap out of me. I am a christian though sometimes I dont act like one. And the thing that ticked me off the most about the email was that she wrote this "you are a christian and you should not be acting like this". I am a christian and yes it does say in the bible to honor your parents. And the only way that I can respect my mother and honor her is by not talking to her. Only because every time we try and talk or see each other it ends up being a screaming death macth to see you can hurt the other person the most or which one can say the nastyest things possible. So I feel by me not talking to her it the better path to take. But with the last email she sent me I had to respond back to it. I do regret that I did so when I was mad at what she said and when I was sad at something else. So I will admit that I could have done it at a better time but we all make mistakes that we wish we had not done its life. But I responded by saying that the statment she just said was not needed and that I was not going to take that kind of crap from her ever. And since I was already emailing her I finaly got the guts to tell her the real truth of why I was not talking to her. Which was that I was having a great deal of horrbile things in my life happen, and that I could not handle this ontop of everything else that I was dealing with too. And the fact of that because of my child hood that was cuy short because of both of my parents and everything thtat I had to deal with really hurt me emotionaly and mentaly and physicaly. And that I am suffering from deppersion which not many people know about. But basically I told her that I did not want to talk to her right now because of all the things she has put me through and that she let happen to me as a child growing up till the day that she moved out when I was in 7th grade. But being the person who I am I also told her that I would like to forget everything that happened to me because of her and what she did also. That I want to forgive her and move on but that it is really hard for me. And that I want to have a relationship with her but that I cant right now. So moral of the story I love her but I have a great deal of problems in every aspect of my life because of her.

SOME ONE PLEASE HELP

HELP HELP HELP!!!!! Okay I am done with trying to pretend everything is all good. I am letting my life slip away from me. Everyday I find myself LOWER than I was the day before. I can't take it anymore. My heart is in the wrong place and I am going back to my old ways of life before I knew Christ. I don't know who I am becoming any more. I am certainly not becoming a GOD like figure.

I use to love to go to church not to see my friends but to hear the message and grow closer to GOD. But now when I go I really don't even want to be there. I can't focus on the message. I don't want to hear the music which use to be my favorite part of the service because that was how I grew closer to GOD. I grew closer by listen to the music as it touched my heart and moved my soul. When it comes time for the message I try to listen but I find myself thinking about other thing that are far less important. I half way listen to the message and I don't put it to use in my everyday life. Its like I am not even there. By the time I leave I am not able to tell you one thing that was said or sung right before me.

I am blowing GOD off completely and I don't know why. I want GOD in my life and I know he wants to be in my life. But I don't understand what is going on. I don't get it. Its not like me at all. I don't want to become that person who was all about GOD, then one day they decide to turn the corner and move away from GOD. Some one help me. What can I do to Keep myself on tract. I want my old life back. It may of had more ups and downs and fights, but at least then I was able to turn to GOD and lean on him. Now I would not think of turning to GOD. Its like I think he is the enemy. I need to get my life back in order, it needs to be put back on the rails of life. I have been derailed far too long than anyone should ever be.

SO PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME. GIVE ME SOME ADVISE ON WHAT TO DO. I AM IN DESPERATE NEED OF IT.

Marissa LeeAnn Thompson

THE EVERYDAY SKREW UPS

Recently I probably just made one of the worst skew ups I could do. My Aunt owns a cabin in the mountains and we go up to it year around and on the majority of the holidays as well. I went up to the cabin in North Carolina for six days to celebrate the new years with some of my family and friends of the family. While I was their I got to see some people that i meet when i was very young so I did not remember them at all so it was like meeting them for the first time all over again. They were a married couple with two kids. One of them was a guy 20 years old his name was Mark and the other one was a girl my age her name was Stephine. Their parents were Tracy and Norb. They were all really fun and nice people. I am glad i got to meet them.
And then there were the normally people that always come up and the ones that I know and come up when they can. There was my Aunt and uncle and their two kids my cousins. There was my uncles brother who also celebrated his birthday with us up there his family was not able to come up with him sadly. Then there was a good Friend of the family bobby. And then there was another good friend of the family that come up but not very often because it is a very long drive for them to come up. But they are a really awesome family. They have three kids two boys and one girl. The boy are Luke who is 13 and Seth who is 8 and then their is Gracie who is 10. They are all really great kids and their parents are just the same.

We have a cabin and a very nice trailer up their for people to stay at and sleep. All the adults stayed at the cabin along with all the young kids. The only ones who stayed at the trailer was my sister Anthea, Mark, Stephine, me, and my cousin Jessica was suppose to stay up there with us but she decided at the last minute to stay at the cabin with her parents. So that gave us all a really nice freedom which was greatly appreciated. But in the end was a very bad idea. We took the freedom and trust that we were given for granite.

The two kids that stayed in the trailer with us are both allowed to drink. Their parents don't care that they do. The only rule the have is to not embarrass them in front of their friends, to be able to control them self's, and to not drink and drive. Other than those rules they don't care. My sister Anthea and I are not allowed to drink but were we grew up it was all around us so we got very accustom to it. And my sister drinks all the time. Me on the other hand i use to do it only when I was feeling really down and was greatly mad. So I did it to relieve my self from pain and misery. My sister on the other hand did it just to do it. She is able to get alcohol when every she wants because she has friends that Will buy it for her.
So the real story is what happened on new years-eve. Of course we are all going to party but that does not mean that we had to drink. The adults always allow us to have a Glass of champagne when that ball drops because that wont really hurt us or do anythings to us. The younger kids don't drink it because they don't like that way that it taste. Which is natural because they are young. So all f us that stayed in the trailer were up their before the ball was going to drop. We had a bottle of Malibu That Tracy and Norb gave their kids to have. My sister brought up a small bottle that was some what drunk bottle of jager and then a large bottle that had not been touched of jager. So all of us had 5 shots of it before we went down to join the rest of the group. after we had the shots we ate something and waited 10 minutes before we drove down to the cabin. we stayed down their and watched the ball drop and had our glass of champagne. then we watched the stunts that they showed. And we parted with them for about an hour before we headed back up to the trailer to finished our party we started. Some time went by and we all finished off the large bottle of jager. we had already finished of the small bottle before that night. after we finished the bottle of jager we started to drink some of the Malibu. At that point I had already down ten shots of jager and began to pour about two shots worth in a glass and chugged that. And then proceeded to do that two more time. The last time i did it I added A little coke with it. During this time we had been dancing and doing all sorts of thing. After we had finished off all the drinks and stuff Stephine had earring that you could Perice your ears with with out the gun. I had already done mine the night that we got their. It took me 3 tries before I got it the place I wanted mine. It did not take me over a minute to do all three of them. But my sister did not want to do hers sober so she said that she wanted to do it but only when she was drunk and could not feel it because she gets very sick when it comes to needle s and blood. So that same night that we all got extremely drunk I Pierced her ear for her. It looks really good as well as mine does. After that we all started to wind down and get into bed. Mark was the first one to go to bed but he was also the only one who did not drink as much as we did. Anthea was the next one to go to sleep well more like pass out. Then Stephine and I were the last ones to go to bed. I was getting water to drink. After I got my water headed to bed as well as Stephanie did.

The next day I woke up very early. I really did not remember much from tat night. I felt fine I was very surprised of how early I woke up and did not have hangover. I got ready and decided that I was not going to wait for the rest of them to get up and get ready to go down to the cabin. So I decided to walk down on my own. It is about a mile walk from the trailer to the cabin. It was not that cold that morning so I was put on some pants and a short sleeve shirt and some socks with sandals. When I got to the cabin I looked at the clock because we did not have one at our place it was eight o'clock in the morning. Anthea and Stephanie drove the car down about three hours later than I did. Mark did not get up on his own. His parents went up and got his up and they all come don to the cabin. After that everyone was fixing lunch or had already eaten something for lunch. Anthea and Stephanie ate and then decided that they were still tiered and went back to bed in one of the rooms at the cabin about a half hour later. I was also tired as well as mark but him and I did not go back to bed.

After a while I was getting tired so I said I have to get up and do something. So I went and got my motorcycle helmet and gloves and rode around for about an hour. My cousin Jessica come out and rode with me as well. Then her dad my uncle came over and said do y'all want to make a sand gap run. sandy gap is at the top a of large mountain the has a spot were you can see over everything out their. It takes about and hour to ride up their on the dirt bikes and about 45 minutes to come back down because it is mostly down hill from the top. To get up their we have to go through a large creek. And this time while we were going up the mountain there was a tree that had fallen down and we had to ride over it. All three of us made it over with out falling! When we got back to the cabin Jessica and I were cold because it was only 24 degrees out that day. So when we got back we went inside and sat in front of the fire for a while and warmed up. After awhile I went out on the go-cart and rode around for a little bit then Gracie wanted me to drive her around so I did. I had to settle down on the craziness of how I normally drove the go-cart because I did not want to scare her. I drove her up to the trailer and then back down to the cabin. After that I drove her through the big creek and down to the silver bridge. Gracie and her brothers are not allowed to go down their on there own because it is about 30 minutes from the cabin and the adults cant see them. But My sister Anthea and mark and Stephanie and I can go where ever we want as long as we tell someone that we are going further than just the big creek so that they don't worry about us.
So the whole point of the this is that. I should have not drank with every one and got wasted. But what really makes me mad is that my aunt knew that they had a bottle of jager up their with us and she did not do anything about it. She thought that we would be okay and she was not worried about it. But if she would have done something about it I would have never gotten wasted or done any of the thing that I did that I now regret that happened. My aunt talked to my sister and said that she was not going to tell my dad because she knows that my sister would be doing it on her own in about a week when she goes to college. She just wants her to know tat the cabin is a safer place than anywhere else will be and that she wants her to be safe. But my aunt was two-faced and called my dad. She did not realize that i was also drinking because i had control of my self when i was around them that night and did not act like the rest of them the next morning. So she only told she only told my dad that Anthea had brought the bottle up their with her and they she was drinking with Mark and Stephanie.

My dad called me into my sister room and began to talk to her with me standing right there. HE did not say any thing to me for a while till he said something about me peircing my ear with out and adult knowing and suppervision. He said that he would have liked me to call him and ask him and that he would have most likely thought about it and would have let me do it. That he was only mad at me because I did not ask. And then he kept talking to Anthea abut her drinking. And then turned to me and asked me if I had drank anything. And I dont lie to my dad when he asks me anything. I will tell him the truth not matter what might happen to me. So I told him the truth "yes I did drink". He looked at me for a second and then kept talking to my sister. My sister did not really give a crap and he could tell. Which made him even more mad at her because of that. He was still mad at me but he was less mad because I told him the turht instead of lying when I could have gotten away with it.
So moral of the story I let him down andthe rest of my family down. I hurt my aunt becuase i took advantage of her trust and went behind her back when my dad was not their thinking I would not get in trouble. I am very disappointed in myself more than anything because I did not have to gurts to say no I ma not going to drink and smoke. So I let my self down big time. My goal for this year is:get back on my path and stp drinking completly. I had quit smoking for about a month till I went up their and smoked again. But as far as that goes I am never going to smoke again. I smoked because I did not know what I was doing. So I ma not going to drink or smoke ever again. My new years resalution is: get straight with GOD and stay oin top of my school work and to let my past go and to let my gaurd down and let the people who love me in on my life.