In a hole of life

I have been having to deal with a lot of thing these past couple of weeks. Some them I was unable to control the others I put myself into. I have not been making good decisions lately. But the truth is that I am not the least bit remorse about them. I don't know why but I just don't care anymore and that's not me. I think the death of my great grandmother has changed me on the inside. after I found out she died I just put myself into a dark corner and I have not let any light shine into the corner. I am sitting here right now crying because it all just hurts so much. I need help. I just want someone to love and for them to love me back. I want my family. My emotions have been off balance so much. I don't know how to react to anything anymore. I get angry to easily and I am sad way to much. I chose to have a relationship with one of my friends. And I got way to into it. He decided that he could not handle it anymore so we ended it but we are still going to be friends. I have been strugling with the addictions that I have been fighting. I really want to go back to them only because they masked all these problems. I never had to feel anything or deal with anything. And right now I am planing on meeting up with my sister today which I am not aloud to be with her alone ever because of some of the decisions I made with her. But right now I just need someone to talk to that knows me and can understand me. My dad is out of town and I dont have my youth pastor that I could talk to anymore so I need her. Today I was telling my friend about the realtionship that was ened and I had another one of my guy friends offer to replace him. He said that I should call him to come over today. And I told him that I would have if I was not going to hang with my sis this afternoon. And normaly I would not do that. That is when I realized that there is something seriously wrong with me. I dont know what it is. I dont know what caused it. And I dont know how to fix it. But I do know one thing I want to fix my emotions but I don't want to change how I am acting.