ANGER

Why am I not able to control my anger? It is so wrong that I cant control it? Is it a bad thing? What will happen if I don't get help or fix the problem? Why do I have this issue? I don't understand why I get so angry so fast and can't stop it. Why when I get angry that I always result to violence to fix the problem, and that ninety percent of the time I end up hurting myself. And that I push my friends away when all they are trying to do is help me. I don't see another way to resolve my anger or how to manage it so it does not come down to the violence. I have tried many things to try to fix the problem but they never seem to work. I have tried talking to someone but found that it just made things worse and that I got even more angry. I have tried writing about it but that did not work either. I tried working out but because of my injuries and medical problems that also did not work for me. I have tried to express it through my art work or listen to music. I think I have tried just about everything that I can but nothing seems to work for me. It always comes back to violence. Lately things have been really bad in my life with my dad, sister, my mom, myself, and the stress of my youth pastor getting deployed for over a year and to top it off the stress of school. So I have been banged up lately and have been thinking about it alot. I have tried to talk to GOD about it but it does not work for me. I really wish that I could fix this problem. But I think a lot of this has to do with my past and me not being able to let it go. And while trying to do so I let my emotions show more than I ever have. And that scared a lot of my friends because they got worried because I was acting diffrent and things did not seem right. I have not drank or smoked since new years. So during these hard times I have really been wanting to go back to it. But I was able to stay strong for a very long time. Today was a really bad day and i made a drink but never actually drank any of it,but I am still not happy about it all. I gave up drinking and smoking because I was becoming addicted to it. It just felt so good to be able to come home to it and know that it would make every thing go away. But that is the thing, it did not make it go away it just covered the pain and made me not think about it. So really I guess it made it worse. And that is what made me want to quit for good. And never do it again. But I am not that strong to never do it again I just wish taht I can stay away from it as long as possible. But since I quit it has made me face all the thing that I was hiding from so my life got really hard. I had to face a lot of really hard thing that I have been pushing under the bed so to speak. So once i cleaned up my life it just got harder on me. Now is the time I wish that I had someone to talk to that I know that I can trust with my life and know that they are able to help me and not judge me or what I have done. Now is the time I wish I had a family to turn to but I dont. I use to have my sister but since she has moved out and gone to college I have lost her completly. We still talk but not like we use to we have grown so far aprt that thing ar akward between us now. I really hate it. I wish that my family was still a family. But I have learned from my mistakes and grown from them. If I had not gone through all I did when I was young I dont think that I would be as strong and able to hide myself from the world as I am now. But I would give up everything to have a family to turn to, to love, to be with, and to share with everyone over what I have now. I have learned that life full of mountains and once your over one there is still going to be another one waitng for you right after that, and that you have to learn that sometimes you fail but that you have to get right back up and keep trying and not give up.