whats on my heart and mind

Hey guys, it's me, but who am I? I am someone that has fallen so deep in life that I can't see the light that is shining so bright trying to show me the way out, or the people that are trying to help me back up to the top to stand on my feet. But for now I go by Marissa till my card is pulled and I get to leave this world and go to a new one where ever that may be. I am moving out this year and starting my own story apart from my dad’s and the rest of my families. It’s going to be my own and I will live it my way the way I want to not how anyone else wants me to live it. I am going to attend Truett McConnell this fall, and get my degree either in children’s psychology or early childhood education. I love going out on the limb to try new things and to get what I want. I don't regret anything I have done or will do because when I was doing it, it was exactly what I wanted to do. I live my life in the now and try to forget the things that have hurt me the most. Even though I can’t let go of something I try my hardest to not let it get me down. I want to one day not remember anything from my own childhood so I can live in peace. I love all people no matter what and don't judge anyone by their looks or actions. I look to the heart of the person because that’s where it's all lays at. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve but it not far from it my heart sits right on my shoulder for me to protect. I am quick to hide my emotions from everyone, sometimes you’ll get me off guard and you’ll see how I really feel. But it’s not often that you see how I am truly feeling or thinking. But one day my walls I have so carefully built up will come crashing down and I will let everyone in and not hide from anyone or anything. But till that day come this is what you get, a whole hearted care person that is afraid to let anyone in for fear that I will get hurt and not be able to pick myself up and clean the wounds that are so deep in my soul. I am still cleaning the ones that have been there for years, I can see the new skin coming through and beginning of a new relationship with the ones that caused the wounds I am still fighting and cleaning up. For now all I have left to say is goodnight and good day.
Marissa

hit with truth and reality today

So I get home today after being at my aunts all day yesterday, and I call my dad to let him know that I was home. We start to talk and he tells me that my mother is coming over to the house tonight to look what crap she has to get out of our house so she can figure out how big of a uhaul she needed to rent. Well I knew that it was not going to be a great time but I did not expect it to be this bad when she did come over. But I shrugged it off and went to bible study(which was really good)! So I get home get a shower and wait for my mother to get here and for the fun to start(oh boy). Then my sister texted me asking if I was going to be here cause she was coming too. So that made it better that she was going to come too but still did not make it any better for what was to come of this meeting. So my sister gets here and we are talking on my front porch cause I was sitting outside thinking bout bunch of things. Few minutes later my mother got here. She came and said hey to me then wanted to go inside and get started. Well I went and got my dad and told him that they were here. So while he walked around with my mother my sister showed me how to burn songs from limewire to a cd(never did it before). After she did that she tryed to figure out how to get my webcam to work(no luck). After my dad and mother finished with the basement they came back up stairs and thats when all the fun happened. My mom got overwhelmed with all the crap she had at our house that she had to get. So they began to argue just like the old days that I have tried so hard to move on from and forget as much as I could. Well this did no good to that. All the things I tried to forget came rushing back to me. Then my dad decided to tell her about the divorce papers he had gotten together for her to sign. my mom and dad have been separated for six years four of them required by law the rest because my parents never really got a long they only stayed together because my dad did not want to put my sister and I through that when we were to young to realize why they were doing it. Then things really got heated. My mom started cursing and yelling at my father. Then they came into the family room where my sister and I were sitting. So as soon as that happened I told my sister I can not stay in here and watch and listen to this. So we went outside and let them do what they needed to get done. But of course my mother was yelling so loud that we could still here what she was saying so it helped some but not completely. So after a while my mother came outside crying and got into her car and sped off. My sister stayed with me for a little while because she did not want to have to deal with my mother after that and she wanted to stay with me for a little so I could calm down as well. So after a while my dad came outside while me and my sister where shooting hoops together, but he did not stay because of the music we had on(rap). So after that we both went in and then my dad started to talk to us then my mother called the house phone and my sister picked it up(thankfully) and talked to her. when that was finally over the three of us talked about what happened and everything. needless to say she got mad at all the things she had to get and did not want to get them all then the divorce papers. But with my mother she blows things way out of proportion and gets really mad fast. Then I find out that she is wanting to come over on the 6th to start packing it all up. which the 6th is my b-day so that means that I get to sit home all day cause I cant go do anything with my father cause he cant leave the house with her here. I am really mad that she is doing this cause she knows that my dad will not leave her here alone and that its my b-day. So she is trying to ruin everything for me. I can not even go out and celebrate my 18th b-day. I just love the crap I get.

life lessons

Every person should have someone that they can turn to if they need help or someone to talk to. Some people are only blessed with one while some are blessed with more than one. In my case I have been blessed with more than I knew about. During my recent struggles I was opened up to two more people that God blessed me with. My uncle buddy and aunt Janet. My aunt is my fathers sister. But I decided that I was going to run away but while doing so I did not know where I was going to go. So I called my aunt Janet to see if I could go to her house. And of course I did not expect to be able to just go over and them to not ask what was wrong. But what I did not expect was for them to care so much about me for them to get my dad to agree to let me stay the night their and them for him to come over the next day and sit down all four of us and to work through it and try to fix things up. Because they did not want to see that happen to my father or me. I was blessed with a very wise uncle. He was the one who really helped us get through the night and to figure out what to do with some help from my aunt of course her motherly knowledge was also a great help. He has helped my father out before when my parents where splitting up. And now he has become the person I turn to if I ever need any advice. He knows what to tell me and what I need to do. He does not worry about if it will upset me because he knows that it is good for me to hear it, and that it will really work and fix the problem. He really helps me with the little things all the time but when it comes to the big things he save my life. He has done so much for me that is it hard to say how grateful I am to have him in my life. But never the less. We all need that person in our life that we can turn to whether it be a friends co-worker, neighbor, family member, or a professional.

worst day ever

so yesterday had to be the worst day of my life. I wake up after not being able to sleep because of a guy who would not leave me alone. He kept texting me all night trying to get me to hook up with him. And I just meet this guy, dont realy know him. He had just said that he was ending his relationship with his wife so he sent me a text asking me if I would have sex with him and stuff. I kept telling him I was not interested in him like that. And that I was not single and I would never cheat on my boyfriend. But that did not stop him, he kept at it all night long till I told him to stop and that I was going to bed. But never the less he when the next morning comes he keeps texting me. He finally stoped after realizing that I would not hook up with him. But when I woke up that morning I was not able to hear out of my right ear very well everything was very muffeled and their was a constant ringing in my ear. I did not think much about it at firt so i got in the shower to see if that would help. Nope nothing still the same. So I said ill give it a little while. After going three out of my four class and it not getting better I texted my dad to tell him this. He told me to leave class and go to the nurses office and see if she could do or give any suggestions on what to do. So never the less I ended up having to go to the doctors and miss my last class altogether. And at the end of the day I was suppose to go back to my first period teacher and turn somthing in to her but was unable to do so. So I had to email it to her and hope that she would understand and except it. Well she did and I think GOD for that one! But when I get home with my dad after emailing her the paper I had to walk to my aunts to check on her doags which I do every day but normally ride the bus to her house to do so. Well when I left her house and went back home my mother called and wanted me to call her back. So I did and while talking to her I heard my dad yelling at someone that he was on the phone with. After I was done talking to my mother and he was not talking to anyone anymore I knocked on his door and asked him what he wanted to eat for dinner. He said that he would make us a grilled chicken salad. So few minutes later he came out and I was playing my guitar and he started to tell me that I needed to play like this actor did in a movie. He proceeded to put the movie on then started yelling at me to play how he was right now. So I told him I dont know how to play like that. So I started to walk to my room to out it away and he ran after me. Next thing I knew he was grabing my hand and would not let go. So I started to yell at him let me go, and the kicked his hand and yelled what are you doing. Then he started to yell at me again then walked away still yelling slaming his bathroom door then his bed room door as well. After that I walked out side and sat down to think. It was pretty cold out side so I got a little cold. But I did not want to go back in that house. So I started to run away and while doing so asked my self where am I going to go so I called my aunt to see if she was home(which she was)so I asked her If I could come and stay there for the night. She said yes and that she would meet me since I was already walking to her home at 8 o'clock at night in the dark wearing all black. So she came and got me and around 10:30 my uncle decides to call my dad and ask him if it was okay that I spend the night over there. My dad never even realized that I was gone for two hours he did not know that his only daughter staying with him was missing. When my uncle told me that it really crushed me. It showed me how much he really pays attention to me and how he cares about me to not even notice that I had runaway from his house. So my uncle talked to him for a while and got my dad to agree to come to there house the next night and sit down me my dad, my uncle, and my aunt and we all talk. So I am finally going to be able to talk to him and know that he is actually listening to me and that I will get some honest answers from him. Instead of him just not telling me or lying to me.

In a hole of life

I have been having to deal with a lot of thing these past couple of weeks. Some them I was unable to control the others I put myself into. I have not been making good decisions lately. But the truth is that I am not the least bit remorse about them. I don't know why but I just don't care anymore and that's not me. I think the death of my great grandmother has changed me on the inside. after I found out she died I just put myself into a dark corner and I have not let any light shine into the corner. I am sitting here right now crying because it all just hurts so much. I need help. I just want someone to love and for them to love me back. I want my family. My emotions have been off balance so much. I don't know how to react to anything anymore. I get angry to easily and I am sad way to much. I chose to have a relationship with one of my friends. And I got way to into it. He decided that he could not handle it anymore so we ended it but we are still going to be friends. I have been strugling with the addictions that I have been fighting. I really want to go back to them only because they masked all these problems. I never had to feel anything or deal with anything. And right now I am planing on meeting up with my sister today which I am not aloud to be with her alone ever because of some of the decisions I made with her. But right now I just need someone to talk to that knows me and can understand me. My dad is out of town and I dont have my youth pastor that I could talk to anymore so I need her. Today I was telling my friend about the realtionship that was ened and I had another one of my guy friends offer to replace him. He said that I should call him to come over today. And I told him that I would have if I was not going to hang with my sis this afternoon. And normaly I would not do that. That is when I realized that there is something seriously wrong with me. I dont know what it is. I dont know what caused it. And I dont know how to fix it. But I do know one thing I want to fix my emotions but I don't want to change how I am acting.

I don't know why

Okay so my great grandmother pasted away on the march 18 2009 so I went to her funeral that saturday. I was figuring out all of the details with my mother over the phone. And she was wanting me to ride with her and my sister up to Toccoa. I told her that I was just going to ride with my father instead of her. She was fine with that. Then she said eventhough you riding with your father I sill want you to sit with the family at the funeral and not your father. I told her I was and that daddy was not not going to let me sit with them. So at that point I got a little frustrated with her because she was trying to say that my father was not going to let me sit with my family since at my great grandfathers funeral he did not not get out of his car. Then i got really pissed at her because that was not true he got out he just did not walk up to the grave at the end of everything. So long story short she mad me very mad and ended the conversation horribly. But that is not why I am writing this. I am writing this because like I said I was going to ride with my dad and I did. But after the funeral the church members were making the family lunch. I did not plan on staying at first but my sister did not want me to leave her. So I stayed for her. But as soon as I got around my mom. I got in a very bad mood. I did not like how my mom talked bad about everyone in our family. I though that is was wrong. And that made me very mad. And the little things that she does just bothers me. I cant stand to be around my mother. I dont understand. I finaly forgive her and try to build back the relationship and I find out that I cant stand to be around her. Everything she does just makes me tick. I hate it and her. I dont want to hate my mother but the things she does just makes me.

ANGER

Why am I not able to control my anger? It is so wrong that I cant control it? Is it a bad thing? What will happen if I don't get help or fix the problem? Why do I have this issue? I don't understand why I get so angry so fast and can't stop it. Why when I get angry that I always result to violence to fix the problem, and that ninety percent of the time I end up hurting myself. And that I push my friends away when all they are trying to do is help me. I don't see another way to resolve my anger or how to manage it so it does not come down to the violence. I have tried many things to try to fix the problem but they never seem to work. I have tried talking to someone but found that it just made things worse and that I got even more angry. I have tried writing about it but that did not work either. I tried working out but because of my injuries and medical problems that also did not work for me. I have tried to express it through my art work or listen to music. I think I have tried just about everything that I can but nothing seems to work for me. It always comes back to violence. Lately things have been really bad in my life with my dad, sister, my mom, myself, and the stress of my youth pastor getting deployed for over a year and to top it off the stress of school. So I have been banged up lately and have been thinking about it alot. I have tried to talk to GOD about it but it does not work for me. I really wish that I could fix this problem. But I think a lot of this has to do with my past and me not being able to let it go. And while trying to do so I let my emotions show more than I ever have. And that scared a lot of my friends because they got worried because I was acting diffrent and things did not seem right. I have not drank or smoked since new years. So during these hard times I have really been wanting to go back to it. But I was able to stay strong for a very long time. Today was a really bad day and i made a drink but never actually drank any of it,but I am still not happy about it all. I gave up drinking and smoking because I was becoming addicted to it. It just felt so good to be able to come home to it and know that it would make every thing go away. But that is the thing, it did not make it go away it just covered the pain and made me not think about it. So really I guess it made it worse. And that is what made me want to quit for good. And never do it again. But I am not that strong to never do it again I just wish taht I can stay away from it as long as possible. But since I quit it has made me face all the thing that I was hiding from so my life got really hard. I had to face a lot of really hard thing that I have been pushing under the bed so to speak. So once i cleaned up my life it just got harder on me. Now is the time I wish that I had someone to talk to that I know that I can trust with my life and know that they are able to help me and not judge me or what I have done. Now is the time I wish I had a family to turn to but I dont. I use to have my sister but since she has moved out and gone to college I have lost her completly. We still talk but not like we use to we have grown so far aprt that thing ar akward between us now. I really hate it. I wish that my family was still a family. But I have learned from my mistakes and grown from them. If I had not gone through all I did when I was young I dont think that I would be as strong and able to hide myself from the world as I am now. But I would give up everything to have a family to turn to, to love, to be with, and to share with everyone over what I have now. I have learned that life full of mountains and once your over one there is still going to be another one waitng for you right after that, and that you have to learn that sometimes you fail but that you have to get right back up and keep trying and not give up.