In a hole of life

I have been having to deal with a lot of thing these past couple of weeks. Some them I was unable to control the others I put myself into. I have not been making good decisions lately. But the truth is that I am not the least bit remorse about them. I don't know why but I just don't care anymore and that's not me. I think the death of my great grandmother has changed me on the inside. after I found out she died I just put myself into a dark corner and I have not let any light shine into the corner. I am sitting here right now crying because it all just hurts so much. I need help. I just want someone to love and for them to love me back. I want my family. My emotions have been off balance so much. I don't know how to react to anything anymore. I get angry to easily and I am sad way to much. I chose to have a relationship with one of my friends. And I got way to into it. He decided that he could not handle it anymore so we ended it but we are still going to be friends. I have been strugling with the addictions that I have been fighting. I really want to go back to them only because they masked all these problems. I never had to feel anything or deal with anything. And right now I am planing on meeting up with my sister today which I am not aloud to be with her alone ever because of some of the decisions I made with her. But right now I just need someone to talk to that knows me and can understand me. My dad is out of town and I dont have my youth pastor that I could talk to anymore so I need her. Today I was telling my friend about the realtionship that was ened and I had another one of my guy friends offer to replace him. He said that I should call him to come over today. And I told him that I would have if I was not going to hang with my sis this afternoon. And normaly I would not do that. That is when I realized that there is something seriously wrong with me. I dont know what it is. I dont know what caused it. And I dont know how to fix it. But I do know one thing I want to fix my emotions but I don't want to change how I am acting.

I don't know why

Okay so my great grandmother pasted away on the march 18 2009 so I went to her funeral that saturday. I was figuring out all of the details with my mother over the phone. And she was wanting me to ride with her and my sister up to Toccoa. I told her that I was just going to ride with my father instead of her. She was fine with that. Then she said eventhough you riding with your father I sill want you to sit with the family at the funeral and not your father. I told her I was and that daddy was not not going to let me sit with them. So at that point I got a little frustrated with her because she was trying to say that my father was not going to let me sit with my family since at my great grandfathers funeral he did not not get out of his car. Then i got really pissed at her because that was not true he got out he just did not walk up to the grave at the end of everything. So long story short she mad me very mad and ended the conversation horribly. But that is not why I am writing this. I am writing this because like I said I was going to ride with my dad and I did. But after the funeral the church members were making the family lunch. I did not plan on staying at first but my sister did not want me to leave her. So I stayed for her. But as soon as I got around my mom. I got in a very bad mood. I did not like how my mom talked bad about everyone in our family. I though that is was wrong. And that made me very mad. And the little things that she does just bothers me. I cant stand to be around my mother. I dont understand. I finaly forgive her and try to build back the relationship and I find out that I cant stand to be around her. Everything she does just makes me tick. I hate it and her. I dont want to hate my mother but the things she does just makes me.

ANGER

Why am I not able to control my anger? It is so wrong that I cant control it? Is it a bad thing? What will happen if I don't get help or fix the problem? Why do I have this issue? I don't understand why I get so angry so fast and can't stop it. Why when I get angry that I always result to violence to fix the problem, and that ninety percent of the time I end up hurting myself. And that I push my friends away when all they are trying to do is help me. I don't see another way to resolve my anger or how to manage it so it does not come down to the violence. I have tried many things to try to fix the problem but they never seem to work. I have tried talking to someone but found that it just made things worse and that I got even more angry. I have tried writing about it but that did not work either. I tried working out but because of my injuries and medical problems that also did not work for me. I have tried to express it through my art work or listen to music. I think I have tried just about everything that I can but nothing seems to work for me. It always comes back to violence. Lately things have been really bad in my life with my dad, sister, my mom, myself, and the stress of my youth pastor getting deployed for over a year and to top it off the stress of school. So I have been banged up lately and have been thinking about it alot. I have tried to talk to GOD about it but it does not work for me. I really wish that I could fix this problem. But I think a lot of this has to do with my past and me not being able to let it go. And while trying to do so I let my emotions show more than I ever have. And that scared a lot of my friends because they got worried because I was acting diffrent and things did not seem right. I have not drank or smoked since new years. So during these hard times I have really been wanting to go back to it. But I was able to stay strong for a very long time. Today was a really bad day and i made a drink but never actually drank any of it,but I am still not happy about it all. I gave up drinking and smoking because I was becoming addicted to it. It just felt so good to be able to come home to it and know that it would make every thing go away. But that is the thing, it did not make it go away it just covered the pain and made me not think about it. So really I guess it made it worse. And that is what made me want to quit for good. And never do it again. But I am not that strong to never do it again I just wish taht I can stay away from it as long as possible. But since I quit it has made me face all the thing that I was hiding from so my life got really hard. I had to face a lot of really hard thing that I have been pushing under the bed so to speak. So once i cleaned up my life it just got harder on me. Now is the time I wish that I had someone to talk to that I know that I can trust with my life and know that they are able to help me and not judge me or what I have done. Now is the time I wish I had a family to turn to but I dont. I use to have my sister but since she has moved out and gone to college I have lost her completly. We still talk but not like we use to we have grown so far aprt that thing ar akward between us now. I really hate it. I wish that my family was still a family. But I have learned from my mistakes and grown from them. If I had not gone through all I did when I was young I dont think that I would be as strong and able to hide myself from the world as I am now. But I would give up everything to have a family to turn to, to love, to be with, and to share with everyone over what I have now. I have learned that life full of mountains and once your over one there is still going to be another one waitng for you right after that, and that you have to learn that sometimes you fail but that you have to get right back up and keep trying and not give up.